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Thursday, December 10, 2015

A short treatise on the correct positioning of the toilet seat, using gender normative examples as proof

Executive summary: leave it up

Men are sloppy pigs. 

Women are petite fleurs.

Men only need to leave the toilet seat down when, umm, you know (not #1).

Women, on the other hand, always need the seat down to do their business.

Men are inherently lazy.

It takes just as much effort for a man to lower the seat after he is finished as it does for a woman to raise the seat after she is finished. 

A man will not bother to lift the seat up if it is already down, and will thereby leave splashes on the seat. Because, you know, men are sloppy. This creates an unpleasant sensation on the delicate rump of the female as she sits down, never suspecting that someone (a man) would be so careless with his wee wee (aka "tinkle" for the women).

Conclusion: it is far better for a woman to lower the seat when she, umm, you know, than it is to rely on nasty men to be considerate and lower the seat after they are done - or, more importantly, raise the seat before, umm, you know.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Guess what I did?

Or, guess what I'm doing?

I'm getting rid of my smart phone, and switching to, well, a dumb phone I guess.

About a month ago, I got Android Pay on my phone (you know, where you can pay for a purchase by magically touching your phone to a terminal at the store). Part of the security aspect of Android Pay is that you have to have a password, or a swipe pattern on your phone, so if you lose it, folks won't be able to have you purchase their double soy latte with nine shots of espresso in it via your unlocked phone - good move.

Now, I love a gadget.  I'm kind of a gadget head, actually. For the first couple of days, every time my phone would beep, or buzz, or ping, or chime, I would pick it up, turn the screen on, and then have to trace my password pattern in order to see who had favorited my tweet (or something equally as important).  It became annoying pretty fast, but more than that, it drove home to me just how many times a day I pick up my phone to look at it.  It had become a 200 times a day habit! (numbers may not be accurate, IDK, I didn't really count).

I had this other phone (LG Cosmo 2, complete with slide out qwerty keyboard, not the one pictured -that's the ultra snazzy LG Cosmo 3) that I have used in the past when I want to unplug, or to carry with me when I run), so I decided to carry it for a few days, and you know what?  I loved it.  That was a month ago.  Lately, I've noticed that I don't automatically reach for my phone every 37 seconds, as I don't have Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, GroupMe, Words With Friends (and probably something else I've forgotten), on my dumb phone.

It is also smaller!!  I love it. I love not having to cram this enormous phone into my pocket.

There are some drawbacks, of course.  Typing a text is painfully slow, I traded a 12 megapixel camera for a 1.3 megapixel camera, but I have an iPad I can use for all of those functions and apps - it just isn't as accessible as the phone - which, I guess, is the point.

But, don't worry, I can still argue on Facebook - I just have to do it more mindfully (hahaha)

Wish me luck.