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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

In defense of the eradication of squirrels

Squirrels are nasty, disgusting, disease infested critters. They are rats with tails. They are the rodent version of a pigeon. They chew everything.  That being said, I could have ignored them. BUT THEY MESSED WITH THE PEAR TREE.

We have a pear tree that some friends gave us after Lisa's Mom died. We planted it in the back yard, and it grows delicious juicy pears. I would have let the squirrels eat a few. I mean, it produces hundreds every year. But, no! The damned squirrels eat the buds before the pears grow. Stupid rat things. Two years ago, we got exactly zero pears. That is when I declared war on them. Last year, we captured 17 of them, and released all of them into the woods, many miles away. This year, we've gotten 4, including our nemesis, "Red". We lured him into the trap with a partial ear of corn. The biggest coup though, was last year when two of them came into the trap at the same time, one right after the other. The lead squirrel tripped the latch before the second could turn around. I guess they are living together in the country now. Just stay out of my yard! (Picture an old man, shaking his cane at the neighborhood kids, and you've got me.)

Proof of The Coup (also, my Facebook cover photo):

It is getting harder and harder to entice the little devils into the Cages any more. They are canny creatures, I'll give them that much. I do have an old BB gun that belonged to my brother in law. It is probably 40 years old and has very little power. I take it into the back yard when the little bastards run along the fence and shoot at them. I nail them about every fifth shot. Problem is, when I nail them, they just look annoyed at me and jump into the nearest tree.

Artists rendition of me hunting squirrels:

We've got three or four that still have the mistaken impression that our yard is their yard. One in particular likes to run along the fence from the enormous hackberry tree in the back, all the way to the front of the house, and then onto the maple tree in the front. From there, it walks the power line like a furry Karl Wallenda, and then on to Starnuts Starbucks, I guess.

This is Karl Wallenda, btw:

Yesterday, I received distressing news from a friend who lives a mile or so away, that his bird feeder is under attack by - you guessed it - a squirrel.


So, pull together pear tree owners.  Bird feeder owners.  Attic owners. Break out the Daisy Air Rifles.  Arm your traps with ears of corn or tiny yet delicious peanut butter crackers (plain or crunchy, doesn't matter).

Let's get em.  And then ship them off somewhere else. I'm not mean enough to kill them. Yet.


  1. My Mom hangs aluminum pie plates like a wind chime. So far it's working to keep the squirrels out of her bird feeder on her back porch. Of course as "canny" as squirrels are, they may figure out that the pie plates are harmless. However, the pie plates in the garden still are effective. Idk...just a thought. But then again you don't live in Polk County do you?

  2. I don't live in Polk County. I'm a city boy (Cleveland=City, hahahahaha). I prefer to ship them out if they dare to enter my yard. I'm not inclined to warn them or try to scare them away. I'm mean like that.